I know that God lives and loves me. I am so grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that because of Him, I can be changed. I had some of the prophet Alma's words come to mind.
"And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?" (Alma 5:26)
I seriously have pondered on these words so many times recently. I have honestly felt like I want to sing the song of redeeming love! I know that Jesus Christ is my redeemer. I know that redemption is possible for ANYONE and it is the most happy feeling in the world.
The other day I was driving to soccer and noticed the trees blossoming. The weather that day was so nice. As I thought about the flowers, and spring making its appearance, I felt so much love. I was OVERWHELMED by feelings of happiness and peace. It seemed as if nothing could make me sad. I had an assurance, for that minute, that everything was okay. The world can be a happy place and I was capable of seeing that happiness.
I think I had been stuck in a place for a couple months that made me feel as if I had little potential or capability to excel or succeed in much. I felt as though I didn't deserve to be happier. I was in a constant state of denial. Denial that I wasn't happy. Trying to convince myself that I WAS happy. In reality, I was living way below my potential in so many ways. I know that Satan was making me feel like this. I felt worthless and like my life didn't have much value. I was pessimistic about school, soccer, and my relationships. I blamed my problems on others. I was so worried about what everyone thought about me. I was constantly living in fear of messing up. I was going through the motions, doing just enough to feel productive, but never more than I needed to. I wanted to be better and make my life happier, but didn't know how. I was attending church, yet didn't really feel comfortable there. I wanted a way out of my slump, but didn't know how. I didn't necessarily know what I wanted out of! I had reached out to several people but didn't know how to voice what I wanted help with. I wasn't even sure what my own problems were! I just knew deep down that I was distraught and frantically seeking change.
When Riley came home in January from her mission, we stayed up talking for hours that first night in her bedroom. We talked about companions and all the things that we couldn't really get deep into through emails. It was so great to talk with her face to face and relate to each other about our mission experiences. The next night we slept together again- inseparable now, after being apart for those 18 months. At one point while we were getting ready for bed she said that she likes to pray out loud now, so she went into the bathroom to pray. I had a flood of memories come back to me about times when I prayed out loud. It was a habit I too once had.
A couple days later I was back home in Saint George. I had previously enrolled in an institute class for the first time in a year and this was maybe my third time in class. We talked about repentance. I remember sitting in class at one point astonished at the power that the discussion had over me. I felt like the entire class was in on some plan, a plan to move me to repentance. I legitimately considered the idea of Brother Butler telling the whole class of things to say and experiences to share just to help me. I thought there was NO WAY everyone was just randomly saying everything I needed to hear. The pure doctrine and scriptures that we discussed in class felt so sweet to me. I shed tears and my heart was filled with gratitude for the strong warm feelings of the spirit I received that night in institute.
I thought of Riley's example of praying out loud. That night I went home and knelt on my bedroom floor and prayed out loud. I don't remember what I said, but I remember so vividly how I felt. It was one of those times when the spirit completely envelops you in warmth and love. It felt like a blanket of peace was wrapped around me. I felt an assurance that I had a Heavenly Father who was listening, cared about me, and wanted me to be happy, even though I felt undeserving. The feelings of the spirt impacted me so strongly and I kept craving more. I continued meeting with my bishop and working through issues. I kept going to institute. I kept feeling the spirit more and noticing the blessings in my life.
“To me, the greatest miracles in life are not the parting of the Red Sea, the moving of mountains, or even the healing of the body. The greatest miracle happens when we humbly approach our Father in Heaven in prayer, fervently plead to be forgiven, and then are cleansed of those sins through the atoning sacrifice of our Savior.” Linda S. Reeves
After Bryce and I broke up in February, I felt uncertain of my future. Yet, I was certain in the peace and stability that comes along with keeping the commandments and living a righteous life. I knew that if I kept the commandments, everything would work out. It is easy to say that, but harder to actually believe it. I reached out to soccer friends. Friends that I never actually hung out with outside of soccer. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to seek the help that I knew I needed. I was weak and humble enough to seek that help. Something I was scared and too prideful to do while in my relationship with Bryce. As I reached out to others I felt happy. I started to realize that I had friends. I started to realize that I had people who cared for me and my well being. I started to realize that I had a lot to live for.
I can't even believe the BLESSINGS that have come the past few weeks. I got randomly offered a job. On Valentine's Day. 4 days after Bryce and I broke up. One that PERFECTLY fits my schedule.I began taking the sacrament that next week, for the first time in many months. (SO HAPPY!)
I decided to step out of my comfort zone, take a friend's advice, and compete in the D-Queen pageant at Dixie.
The same week, bishop called me into his institute office in the middle of the week. Thinking that he was checking up on my well-being cause of the break up and everything, I didn't think much of it. Shortly after entering his office however, and after he found out my recent spiritual increase and excitement about the gospel, he extended to me a calling in the Relief Society presidency. That they had called a new president and she felt very strongly after much prayer that I should serve as her second counselor. This call could not have come at a better time. I am not perfect, and still improving in many areas, after having lost a lot of my spiritual strength. Bishop asked her if she really knew me very well and she said no. She has no idea what I have been going through. Bishop knew and I knew, that this call came straight from the Lord.
I feel happy. I feel confident. I feel capable. I feel resilient. I feel healthy and motivated.
My soccer friends have been so kind and loving to me. I am so thankful for the friendships that soccer brings me.
I am so thankful for my classes. I love Dixie. I love studying communications. Classes aren't easy, but I apply myself and put in the time to study and learn and I actually enjoy my classes and learning.
I just know that God loves me. It makes me so sad to realize how easily satan can fill our minds with destructive thoughts. I always want to stay close to the spirit. I love feeling the spirit and I am figuring out that it guides and directs me more than I bother to realize.
I guess that sometimes I have to feel lost and useless so that I can enjoy when I am found and useful. "and they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good." (Moses 6:55)
God lives, repentance is happy, and the fruit that the gospel brings is real and delicious.
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